Four Agreements..

agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don't take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don't make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Want to improve your listening skills.

Etiquette and polish, both in personal and business settings, are linked to how well we communicate.

Most people think communication is all about speaking and devalue the importance of listening. And many others don't realise what a vast difference there is between simply hearing what is being said and really listening. People who know how to listen learn more, care more, and end up being the ones we want to be around socially as well as professionally. Want to improve your listening skills? Understand why you need to listen and remember to practise these tips the next time you conduct a conversation.

Are your eyes listening?

Your eyes are a dead giveaway if you are not listening. When your mind wanders and you begin thinking of something or someone else, your eyes show your disinterest. And the person speaking to you is well aware that you are not paying attention.

And this is true even if you don't look away. Blank stares don't conceal boredom!

How can you know if you are a bad listener?

A good listener uses his/ her eyes and mind while listening. If you find yourself already formulating your next sentence in your mind while someone is speaking to you, you are doing injustice to the conversation. You will get more out of the conversation if you understand, comprehend and assimilate what is being said BEFORE responding.

Good etiquette = listening!

Do you make these common listening mistakes?

The difference between being a good listener versus a great listener is using your heart in addition to your eyes and mind while listening. Do you do this? ~ If a friend tells you something is wrong, you immediately tend to give advice or criticism. ~ If a friend tells you about something wonderful that has happened, you usually chip in with something similar that you have experienced. Rarely do we share joy or sympathise with pain. Rarely do we just let others speak. To improve your listening skills, practise with those closest to you.

When family members or friends share their thoughts and feelings, curtail the urge to relate what you hear to one of your own experiences.

What if a conversation bores you?

I believe 'interested people are interesting' . Similarly, 'boring people get bored'. You don't need to know a lot about a subject to have a conversation. You just need to have a desire to learn, understand and make things interesting. For example, if someone tells you they are a teacher, instead of saying, "That's nice," and moving on to the next topic, try to find out why they are teaching, how they decided on this profession and what their current thoughts on teaching are.

Dig deep and create meaningful conversations.

How do I get others to listen to me?

i. Listen more intently, question more, and speak with emotion. Build interesting conversations instead of one-way lectures. ii. Engage people while you speak. Ask questions like, "What do you think?" or "Do you agree?" Try not to speak continuously for long periods. People tend to have short attention spans. When you do not listen to what others are saying and only care to listen to your own voice, this is an indication that you really do not care for other people's opinions.

Think about who you really enjoy being around, at work or in your personal life. Usually it is those who really listen and care about you. Are you listening?

The Key to Success..

Think of the most successful person you know. What makes that person appear successful? Is it the amount of money they make and the luxury car they drive when they pull up to the masjid? Is it the amount of friends they have or the power and influence they have in the community? For those of us living in the West, we are automatically programmed to judge people by their appearance, wealth, and power. When it comes to success, are we judging success by the standards of the West or the standards of success set by Allah and His Messenger?

Allah mentions the successful people in the Qur’an over and over again. When we define success in Allah’s terms, we see that the successful people are those who seek nearness to Allah (5.35), who strive with their lives and wealth in Allah’s Cause (9.20), and who are admitted to Paradise (3.185). How many of us actually have conditioned ourselves to view success in this way?

There is one way that we can make ourselves among those who are successful as defined by Allah and that is by gaining knowledge. Knowledge is the one thing that makes one believer more successful than another believer, as Allah ta’ala says in the Qur’an:

“Say: “Are those who know equal to those who know not?"” 39.9

But how many of us are actively seeking knowledge? There are many blessings of seeking knowledge, as related by the Prophet sallahu ‘alayhi wa salaam:

“When Allah wishes good for someone, He bestows upon him the understanding of religion.” [Bukhari, Muslim] “Allah makes the way to Paradise easy for him who treads the path in search of knowledge.” [Muslim] “The world, with all that it contains, is accursed except for the remembrance of Allah, that which pleases Allah and the religious scholars and seekers of knowledge.” [At-Tirmidhi] “The superiority of the learned man over the devout worshipper is like that of the full moon to the rest of the stars. The learned are the heirs of the Prophets who bequeath neither Dinar nor Dirham but only that of knowledge; and he who acquires it, has in fact acquired an abundant portion.” [Abu Dawud and At-Tirmidhi]

These are just a few of the statements of our Prophet sallahu ‘alayhi wa salaam on the blessings of seeking knowledge and the superiority of the knowledgeable believer.

There is a certain amount of knowledge that is compulsory (fard al-‘ayn) on every individual Muslim to know. Yet, most Muslims aren’t even fulfilling or giving priority to knowing those minimum things that one must know to practice the deen correctly. For example, zakat is one of the pillars of Islam. But how many of us know the rulings of zakat and are sure that we’re giving the proper amount? How many of us know with certainty all the things that invalidate the prayer? If we don’t learn these things, we can not plead ignorance; we will be sinful in the sight of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala for not learning.

Seeking knowledge is not always easy. In our own communities, there might be few or no opportunities to learn some of these things because of the lack of knowledgeable people. But is our responsibility to change this phenomenon. If we learn, it is our obligation to teach others who don’t know. If we don’t know, it is our obligation to learn. And there are alternatives. There are classes in other cities and through distance learning programs that can teach us the minimums that we need to know about the deen. And for a few, they are able to take a leap and study in-depth overseas for a more comprehensive education.

Yet whether it’s taking distance courses, taking courses or seminars in another city, or studying overseas, there is an incredible lack of support for those people who desire knowledge. That is because, in general, our communities have forgotten the value of knowledge. Yet, it is the very thing that makes a person, and as a result, entire communities of Muslims, successful or not. The problem is we have started to judge success by the standards of the West and not the standards of Allah.

Five Practical Ways to Revive Knowledge

1. Educate others about the importance of seeking knowledge:

People will never be satisfied with their deeds until they realize the value of them. The more people realize the value of knowledge, the more likely it is that this phenomenon of knowledge-less people and communities will end.

2) Start halaqas in your community:

Even if there is no one knowledgeable in your community, choose a book that teaches the basics of Islam and hold classes with discussions so there is an opportunity for every Muslim to learn the basics of their deen.

3) Support the scholars and students of knowledge:

If there is no one knowledgeable in our community, it is our responsibility to try to bring someone in that is. That may mean sponsoring a promising student to go overseas to study for four years or more with the agreement that they will come back and benefit the community. Or it may mean supporting a scholar that has a family and has no means of supporting themselves if they move to your community. So many scholars have come to the West and left because communities failed to support them.

1) Seek knowledge:

Whatever your ability is, remember that success is proportional sacrifice. The more you sacrifice, the more success you will have.

2)Be sincere:

Sincerity is a requirement for all actions. Allah’s Messenger sallahu ‘alayhi wa salam said:

“He who does not acquire knowledge with the sole intention of seeking the Pleasure of Allah but for gaining the frailties of the world, will not smell the fragrance of Paradise on the Day of Judgement.”[Abu Dawud]

May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala make us among those people who appreciate and seek knowledge and our communities those that are overflowing with knowledge that is beneficial. Ameen. And may we continuously say, “My Lord! Increase me in knowledge.” (20.114)

5 easy steps to successful goal setting

Goals, who needs them?

Well, research indicates that less than 3 per cent of us regularly set written goals. However, those who do invest time in this exercise are overachievers who seem to succeed effortlessly. To them, non-goal-setters appear like dead leaves in the wind, their trails mostly decided not by them but the direction in which the wind blows fastest.

A written set of goals, organised and structured, can help keep us focused in the same way a map helps us find our destination in an unknown city. Corporations spend millions on planning and goal setting. Even at work, employees are often judged by their ability to achieve goals that have been set for them. And yet, in our personal lives, we rarely use the power of setting goals.

Davinder Sachdeva, General Manager (Sales) at one of the five largest software companies in the world, tells us how he does it. "Writing down a goal means it is important to me. Unless I write it down, it is a vague idea floating in my head. When I write it down, I can fit it into my schedule and make it real."

Here's a simple five-step process of setting goals that you can actually achieve, rather than just wish for.

Step 1: Define your goal

This seems simple, but surprisingly isn't. Most people do not clearly know what they want. Defining a goal helps you articulate what you want -- not only to others, but also to yourself. Imagine leaving your home every morning with a vague idea of where you are headed. What are the chances you will get anywhere worthwhile?

So, how do we define specifically what we want? Take a rough sheet of paper and pick an area of your life (career, education, health, relationships, spirituality, personal growth, etc) where you would like to set a goal. Write down around 20 things that you want to see happen. Don't think or analyse too much. Let your thoughts flow.

Now prioritise this list -- rank these 20 in the order of their importance to you. What you are doing is gaining clarity into what is most important. You will find yourself a lot clearer in your head.

Step 2: How will you know you have achieved this goal?:

As an example, let's work on your top three goals. Most often, if we don't have good validation criteria after having set a goal, we will never know if we actually succeed in achieving it. So, ask yourself this significant question: How will I know I have achieved this goal?

This might be straightforward for some goals. If one was 'to get a promotion', or 'get admission into XYZ institute', the for that is straightforward. But, if your goal is 'to become a better manager', that's a little vague. You might want to set the validation criteria as:

1. The attrition rate in my team will drop.

2. Rewards earned by team members will grow.

3. Meetings will be shorter.

4. I will give and take regular feedback from my team.

If these things happen, you will know you have become a better manager. Now, look at your goal and try making your validation criteria as specific as possible. Notice that all four points mentioned above can be measured tangibly.

Step 3: How to go about doing it

Take a good look at your goal and validation criterion. What do you need to do to make these results happen? This is the time to break down your goal into actions and sub-actions. Come up with a list by asking yourself this question.

Step 4: Set a time frame:

Setting a time frame for your goal breathes life into it and also allows you to build it into your schedule. It also helps you create a sense of urgency about your goal. If you are having trouble doing this, refine your goals and make them more specific. The more specific your goals are, the easier it will be to set a time frame around it.

Step 5: Take Nike's advice

Just do it.

Unfortunately, this is what proves to be the most difficult step for most. Inertia, procrastination and laziness hold us back from doing what we know we should be doing. Here's some simple advice on how to get things done:

1. Read your goals, your validation criterion and action steps every single day, more than once if possible.

2. Use a planner and fill in your list of actions. If you see what needs to be done in your planner, you are more likely to do it.

3. Use a reminder service. You can use an online calendar or reminder service to send you a reminder email every day.

The trick is to keep your goals and action list on top of your mind somehow, and keep taking action. If you do not do this, chances are they will meet the same fate as your New Year resolutions.

Finally, if this sounds like too much work, try to spice it up by making it fun. Introduce elements of things you like. For example, I usually do boring things like making monthly budgets and taxes while sitting at my favourite coffee shop. By combining these two activities, I am able to transfer the 'fun' element from one to the other.

Most often, we need to tweak our mindset just a little bit to create huge results in our lives.

-- The author is a corporate trainer.

At Work Learn to be more assertive!

Let's say it's 5 pm on a Friday and you are hurriedly collecting your bag to go home, as you have big plans for the weekend. Suddenly, your boss asks you to report to work on Saturday morning. All you manage to say is a meek "Okay." And, with that, you ruin your entire weekend.

Sounds familiar? It probably does if you are like most people who, at some time or another, exhibit 'unassertive behaviour'. That is, they are not able to stand up for themselves and convey their thoughts or feelings in an appropriate manner.

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness refers to being able to express your thoughts, beliefs and feelings in a confident, open and honest way. "It increases self-confidence and facilitates the communication of ideas at work. With increasing competition, the importance of being assertive at the workplace is being realized to a greater extent. It's not just seen as a matter of survival, but as an indirect, powerful tool to increase productivity and efficiency," says Gaurav Agarwal, a 28-year old executive in Noida.

Assertiveness, aggressiveness, passiveness:

These are different categories that are part of the behaviour continuum.

Passiveness:

You are uncomfortable expressing yourself honestly. You feel you don't have the right to be heard. You back down easily to avoid conflict.

Aggressiveness: You force your point of view, even at the expense of another's. You always want your way, and use strategies like loud talking, sarcasm, desk pounding and forcefulness.

Assertiveness:

You are comfortable expressing your thoughts and feelings. You can put forth your views without compromising on your own needs or provoking others. You aim for a win-win solution.

Although people interchange the terms

assertiveness and aggressiveness, you can see there is a difference between the two. "Assertive people exhibit a positive, open style of communication that is neither submissive nor aggressive," says Harish Srivastava, a 29-year old sales manager.

When you're being assertive, you are not attacking someone else. You are not being rude. You are simply standing up for your rights.

Being assertive is essential for those who want to learn how to stand up for themselves in different situations, such as responding to putdowns, handling and expressing anger, speaking up to a rude salesperson, asking the boss for a raise, asking for a better table at a restaurant, etc.

"I was not assertive before and didn't feel good about myself, either because I couldn't get things I planned done efficiently, or because I couldn't fulfil everyone else's requests and felt guilty," says Dipti Srivastava, a housewife from Lucknow. "I then made attempts to change myself and can now say I am an assertive woman."

Assertiveness affects your life:

A culture of assertiveness is especially important if you deal with a lot of pressure in your personal life or at work, or if you have direct contact with customers or clients. Not only will you be able to recognise problem behaviours when they occur, you will also be better equipped to deal with them.

Assertiveness helps you plan and carry through difficult encounters more effectively. It helps you make requests, say 'No' effectively, give and receive criticism appropriately, cope with put-downs, communicate effectively, express your feelings (whether positive or negative) in a confident manner, and set self-imposed limits and boundaries so you don't lose out on account of others.

Setting self-imposed limits refers to sometimes having to say 'No' to people. "Sometimes, it is necessary," says 28-year old banker Anupam Misra. "For example, when doing someone else's work may actually result in your own work not being completed in time." Saying 'No' can be very difficult for an unassertive person, since such people find it difficult to even stand up for themselves. They also usually find it hard to ask for what they want, or express their opinions effectively.

Why say Yes when you want to say No?

"One reason is such people want others to like them. They are afraid of losing their friends, or afraid their boss may use their refusal as grounds for negligence. They might also want to be known as the 'go-to' person, who is dependable and can always accomplish the task. It makes them feel wanted and more valuable," says Harish.

Unfortunately, this inability to say 'No' can be harmful. It builds up stress hormones, such as adrenaline. Consequently, your heart will beat faster than normal, your blood pressure will rise and blood vessels will become narrow. According to doctors, these conditions can contribute to your risk of heart attack, stroke, and even cancer.

10 tips that can help

According to Harish, "What employees must learn to inculcate is a confident, open and honest tone of voice that leaves no room for doubt and puts across the intended point in a healthy manner." The following tips can help:

1. When you need to say something, speak clearly and with confidence. Your body language should also give the impression that you are calm and confident.

2. Learn to strike up and carry on conversations with ease. Practice your conversation skills in different social situations. You can also consult books on etiquette.

3. Use "I feel" statements to put across your thoughts. For example, "I feel ____when you ____".

4. Learn to say 'No'. Saying 'yes' to everyone and everything is impossible. Figure out your priorities. If saying 'No' seems too blunt at first, say you'll think about it before answering.

5. Accept compliments with a smile. Simply say 'thank you' instead of making excuses.

6. Express your worries and concerns. Otherwise, they will gnaw into your mind and create tension. Also, tackle minor irritations before your anger builds.

7. Develop self-esteem. Be around positive people who make you feel good about yourself.

8. Don't dilute your words or beat around the bush. "People often make excuses or give long explanations and the person listening gets a mixed message," explains Gaurav. Be concise and direct. Use the first person part-of-speech. For example, 'I feel frustrated when my work is not acknowledged. ' The lesser words you use, the bigger the impact.

9. Do not speak apologetically. Stand your ground if you know you are correct. Ask questions whenever you need clarifications. You shouldn't accept rules or practices without understanding them.

10. Express negative emotions in a healthy manner. For example, if someone has hurt your feelings, let them know without escalating the situation. It doesn't help to take out your aggression or frustration on others. Express valid feelings in time, instead of bottling things up until you explode. Sometimes, it is better to walk away until you feel calmer and more in control.

Make sure your body language is not aggressive. Avoid pointing at people, banging the table, raising your voice, or making other aggressive gestures.

When to say Yes when you mean No:

There are some situations that may actually warrant your saying 'Yes' even when you want to say 'No'. For example, certain entrepreneurs claim they do in fact have to "go out of their way" and say yes when they want to say no, to cultivate new clients and maintain existing ones. "Sometimes, you have to learn to say Yes even when you mean No, just to get clients to go along with you," reveals Rohit Jha, a 27-year old entrepreneur from Pune.

It is also common for employees to do it to survive in the corporate culture, where cutthroat competition exists. Even on the domestic front, it is quite possible that, at some time or another, you will have to carry out family obligations or responsibilities even though you want to refuse.

In effect, whether to say Yes or No in a particular situation is a decision you must use your judgment to make.

Brush up your mobile etiquette.

The 21st century is the age of webcams, laptop computers, iPods and the ubiquitous mobile phone. Nearly everyone owns a cellphone these days. It�s handy, and definitely an asset when you�re on the move. But if you�re the type who forgets to leave the phone on vibrator mode in the middle of a college lecture, movie theatre, or even in the middle of a meeting, you could be in trouble.

�Mobile phone etiquette is something many people don�t adhere to,� says first year Economics Honours student, Jaideep Tripathi. Moreover, it can be really irritating when someone�s cell starts ringing in the middle of a library or a movie. Garima Sharma, a second year English Honours student from Ramjas College agrees.

While mobile phones are critical in keeping you safe and connected, they could prove to be double edged swords and dangerous too. Premilla Thapar admits that she is forever worried about her daughter�s safety. �She�s a law student and is always on the cell. I am so afraid she may meet with an accident while she is driving,� she says.

According to her even �hands-free� sets can be dangerous because conversations too can be distracting.�

Though most colleges allow cellphones in for emergency situations, students generally tend to misuse them. Says Saikat Ghosh, Lecturer, English Dept, Khalsa College, �A lot of students send SMSs and you can�t really tell what they are up to beneath their desks. Cellphones don�t really disturb me if I am teaching with concentration. But, I guess students should be considerate enough and not misuse the facility extended to them.�� Student counsellors advise turning on the vibrator option or the voice-mail.

Apart from the obvious disturbance factor there are other things about cell phones that are just not in keeping with the right etiquette, ringtones and untimed calls for instance. �My girlfriend has one of the most irritating ringtones on her cell,�� says Jaideep, adding, �it�s so loud and raucous that it ruins the mood, the moment and destroys my concentration.�� Some others like Garima complain that many people continue to talk over the cell even if they are with you. �My boyfriend does that and I am forced to listen to whatever he�s saying even when I don�t want to,� complains Garima.

So, has the cellphone turned into some kind of nightmare for those at the receiving end? Most corporate recruiters say that today�s kids multitask: IM-ing, e-mailing and reading, all while chatting on their cellphones or listening to their MP3 players.

Technology, they say has allowed them to blend their school/college work into their personal lives so seamlessly and wirelessly, that they balk at the image of a rigid nine-to-five office routine.

Are there rules that can be followed? Is there any such thing as mobile manners? Yes, is the answer. If you�re in a public place, like an elevator, a classroom or a library, keep your cellphone on vibrator mode and rely on your voicemail to take your calls. �If you receive an important call while driving, pull your car over to the pavement and tell your caller to call back, or that you�ll call back,�� advises Kumar.

Adds Tripathi, �After I heard a friend of mine break up with his girl on the cell, I�ve never been able to have an emotional conversation with my girlfriend on the mobile. Not only is your whole life in the public domain but you may never know who is overhearing your conversation.��

Mind your manners:

* Use an earpiece in noisy locations.

* Tell callers when you�re talking on a mobile, so they can anticipate distractions or disconnections.

* Never take a call while in a public place or place of importance. There are things that are more important than your caller. If it�s urgent, the person will probably call back.

* When you take a call, ensure that you conduct your conversation at a polite distance, and out of earshot, of your companions. Communicate without

attracting attention.

* All conversations on a cell phone should be kept brief and to the point.

Ten Traits for Success

The following ten traits when combined, can turn dreams into reality and make leaders successful in all walks of life. Here they are:

1. How you think is everything: Always be positive. Think success, not failure. Beware of a negative environment.

2. Decide upon your true dreams and goals: Write down your specific goals and develop a plan to reach them.

3. Take action: Goals are nothing without action. Don't be afraid to get started. Just do it.

4. Never stop learning: Read books, Get training and acquire skills.

5. Be persistent and work hard: Success is a marathon, not a sprint. Never give up.

6. Learn to analyze details: Get all the facts, all the input. Learn from your mistakes.

7. Focus your time and money: Don't let other people or things distract you.

8. Don't be afraid to innovate; Be different: Following the herd is a sure way to mediocrity.

9. Deal and communicate with people effectively: No person is an island. Learn to understand and motivate others.

10. Be honest and dependable; Take responsibility.